1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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