Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
