You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
