Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
