i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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