just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
