While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I will be naked everywhere
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
