he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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