The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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