we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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