When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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