If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
