My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
