He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
