i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
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