oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Randomize
