Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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