And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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