His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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