I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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