textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
