You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
