nut hugger
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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