Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
