She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Randomize
