Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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