Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
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