Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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