I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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