woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
