i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
