At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
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