Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
