Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
