Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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