You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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