So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
This toilet bowl is my home.
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