Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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