Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
