Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
