I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
