i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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