I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
