Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
