guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
How external is "for external use only"?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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