The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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