So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
We left the knife in your bed.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
