i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
