the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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