george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Randomize
