Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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