Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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