We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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